i am someone not everyone knows how to love (and that’s j fine)

this is not romantic by lora mathis

Bukowski said that, “there is a place in the heart that can never be filled and we will wait and wait in that space”. I feel as though my whole life has been spent waiting, hoping, wishing that maybe somehow someone would be able to partially fill the emptiness. I have loved ones who fulfill me and who support me but I can’t shake the idea of romantic love. I can’t shake the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone and never tiring of them and even if I did, we would still power through, and grow together.

My parents were each other’s soulmates. I know that for a fact. And after my dad passed away my mom seemed a bit smaller somehow (don’t get me wrong, she’s still a firecracker) and you could just sense that something was missing.

I don’t believe that people need others in order to feel complete but I understand the longing, the wanting, the desire for partnership. I understand the desire to have just one person every day that you can count on. To have just one person you can glance over at and they know everything without a single word being uttered.

I think people hold themselves back from experiencing this sort of connection because it is scary and people change and people can leave or die or whatever. But I want to take that chance.

I spent so much of the last decade being selfish and growing and trying to figure out what I wanted and needed in order to thrive as the individual I am becoming. And I can say with absolute certainty that I have it pretty good, even when things were bad, and I do want to share my life with one person. I want that so intensely.

I hate this loneliness. I hate this emptiness that persists even when I have filled my life with so much joy and magical humans.

I sit here in this room on a sunny midsummer day and I am sad and confused as to when I will stop feeling this way, or if I ever will stop feeling like this. Perhaps I am not meant to be with anyone and perhaps that is the final piece of the puzzle that I need to sort out in order to gain some peace of mind.


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young-ish, gifted, & unapologetically black