I only recently realized that all of these years I was looking for a home. I was looking for a place to say, “That’s where I’m from.” But home has always been right here inbetween by rib cage and my spinal cord. Home has always been right up behind my ruined face. Home has been home has been home has been home.
I was wandering and searching and flailing about but I just had to sit still and see that I was already right where I needed to be.
I love how Facebook gives you snippets of your memories from the year before or years ago. I look at those pictures and I see that I was always whole. I was always the person I was meant to be. It just took some time to love Mwongeli. It took some time to look in the mirror and see that I was complete and loved and real.
I always wondered how some people are so authentically themselves. How some people are so comfortable in their skin. And now I know how. People come to a place of self-love after years of self-loathing. After years of heartbreak and brokenness and sadness and loss.
I am almost certain I will be heartbroken again (how else do we grow?) but at least the next time my heart breaks I will have myself to cry with. I will be my own support and cheerleader and teammate.
I have taken the radical step of being in love with myself. For a while I thought it would be like in those cheesy romantic comedies I love so much. I thought there would be one epiphany moment but like my mama always told me, love is a choice. Some days you can’t be bothered to put forth the effort but it is so, so worth it.
As someone who has spent the greater part of their life contemplating suicide, this is a really huge step for me. It is tremendously important that I have chosen to love myself even if every day I don’t like myself.
I used to stare in the mirror for hours as a teenager and my dad would tease me for being so vain. I can’t even remember what I looked like in high school or who the person reflected back at me was. But I am sure she was doing her best like I am now.
I am not perfect but I am perfectly Mwongeli. And as that changes and evolves I am happy and excited and rooting for ME.
How fucking cool, right?
I wanted random dudes to see me and validate me and give my life meaning for so long but then one day I tilted my head to the side and said, “Yo wait, you fuckboys don’t see me. BYE.”
But it wasn’t their fault (well……….) because I am so, so grateful for the learning experiences dating has brought me. I am also totally fine spending the rest of my life loving on myself and dancing to the beat of my own drum in my Calvins.
The world is somehow set up for us to loathe ourselves. Big corporations make a killing off of how much some people hate themselves.
I say fuck that noise, love you how you gotta love you.