me, myself, & carrie bradshaw

image courtesy of HBO

When I was seventeen my first boyfriend and the guy I lost my virginity to broke up with me and my entire world was shattered. I immediately shame spiraled into drugs, alcohol, and irresponsible sex with a much older guy in order to forget how fucking sad I really was. Little did I know this behavior would carry me through most of my early twenties until about three months ago.

I remember going to Barnes & Noble after the initial break-up and purchasing the entire series of Sex and the City on DVD. I watched every single episode and memorized every piece of advice on dating and relationships that Carrie, Sam, Miranda, and Charlotte had to offer.

I wanted to be this strong, liberated, and sexually confident woman and I looked to those four angels for the guidebook.

I’ve read a lot of articles about how the women of SATC were horrible humans with questionable morals but aren’t we all? Aren’t we all just trying to get from heartbreak to heartbreak and sunrise to sunset with our psyches slightly in tact? Why on earth would four fictional women on a flawed television show be good role models for anyone?

And honestly, what the fuck is a good role model?

I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I learned so much from those women and I will carry all of that knowledge—the good, the bad, the questionable and the creepy—to the grave. I am a little bummed that I am a freelance writer in 2017 and I don’t have an endless supply of Manolo Blahnik’s and Vogue hasn’t yet asked me to shoot my future wedding. But I am happy that I am a woman, I am happy that I have had the dating experiences that I’ve had, and that I enjoy sex immensely.

And that’s why one day I will look back on these words that I wrote and I will stand behind them and I will be proud to show my children that life is messy, relationships are messy and everyone is flawed but they are certainly trying.

I probably don’t need to keep searching for my Aidan or Mr. Big or Berger or Aleksandr Petrovsky…but honestly, I enjoy it and it’s my choice. It’s not some fictional characters life that I am living. It is my little pseudo RomCom/love story/whatever.

And I am in love with the journey of love.