the divorce is final and i don’t have to pay alimony

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break up letters by wastedrita

I recently made the very adult decision to break up with my best friend. Well, we broke up six years ago but we have been in each other’s lives in one way or another for eight years. He took care of me when I couldn’t get out of bed. I did my best to take care of him whenever he allowed me to.  But the time has come and we are no longer growing together…we have grown apart.

I thought it would be harder than this but it’s kinda like getting a haircut. At first it’s weird and you don’t know if you like the person reflected back at you but then a few days pass and life goes on and hair grows back or it doesn’t or it does.

WHATEVER.

I think he loved me in his own way but he never loved me the way I needed him to and that’s ultimately why I am choosing to leave. I am choosing to close the chapter on our life together in order to love myself more completely and not shoulder the guilt of years of toxic love.

I should have known a white dude from the Northwest suburbs and I couldn’t be best friends for life. But I tried anyway because that’s the only way you learn. And my god, did I learn.

It is not his fault he is willfully ignorant and selfish and insensitive but at the same time, it is his fault. Because I had every opportunity to remain ignorant and selfish and insensitive but I chose life. I chose to open my heart up to the world and get hurt and learn and love people the best way I can.

I know a lot of you are probably wide-eyed as you read this scathing review but I honestly, truly, legitimately do not give a flying fuck.

Because when I was fifteen my sister looked me dead in the eyes and said, “You are a waste of god given talent.”

And I never forgot those words. I never, ever, ever let those words go.

Because I would rather have a serpent in my home that I can talk to than a fucking panda bear that lies all the time.

I firmly believe that the things which are the most difficult to hear are the things which need to be repeated over and over and over. Only then can we live authentically. Only then can we move forward and make America……………………………great?

Yeah, I did that.

WHATEVER.

So I am moving on with my life. I have decades left and I haven’t the energy to waste it on people who add nothing to my experience. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

Who wants to be my new best friend?

Nah, I’ll be my own best friend.

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i am someone not everyone knows how to love (and that’s j fine)

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this is not romantic by lora mathis

Bukowski said that, “there is a place in the heart that can never be filled and we will wait and wait in that space”. I feel as though my whole life has been spent waiting, hoping, wishing that maybe somehow someone would be able to partially fill the emptiness. I have loved ones who fulfill me and who support me but I can’t shake the idea of romantic love. I can’t shake the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone and never tiring of them and even if I did, we would still power through, and grow together.

My parents were each other’s soulmates. I know that for a fact. And after my dad passed away my mom seemed a bit smaller somehow (don’t get me wrong, she’s still a firecracker) and you could just sense that something was missing.

I don’t believe that people need others in order to feel complete but I understand the longing, the wanting, the desire for partnership. I understand the desire to have just one person every day that you can count on. To have just one person you can glance over at and they know everything without a single word being uttered.

I think people hold themselves back from experiencing this sort of connection because it is scary and people change and people can leave or die or whatever. But I want to take that chance.

I spent so much of the last decade being selfish and growing and trying to figure out what I wanted and needed in order to thrive as the individual I am becoming. And I can say with absolute certainty that I have it pretty good, even when things were bad, and I do want to share my life with one person. I want that so intensely.

I hate this loneliness. I hate this emptiness that persists even when I have filled my life with so much joy and magical humans.

I sit here in this room on a sunny midsummer day and I am sad and confused as to when I will stop feeling this way, or if I ever will stop feeling like this. Perhaps I am not meant to be with anyone and perhaps that is the final piece of the puzzle that I need to sort out in order to gain some peace of mind.

there’s one thing i want to say, so i’ll be brave

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Art Prints by Witchoria

It took almost a whole year to end things but not for lack of trying. I became embarrassed to even discuss our relationship with friends or family because how many times can two people break up and get back together in the span of eleven months? I couldn’t even keep count after the third or eighth time.

I was spellbound or so completely out of my mind that I desperately needed us to work out. We met after a hell of a year for me: being diagnosed with depression, running away to LA in a horrible attempt to start over, and then moving back to Chicago only to start over yet again. You casually meandered into my life and I needed to believe it wasn’t a coincidence that someone so perfectly wonderful just happened to be interested in me after everything I’d been through.

I was open with you about my struggles. I communicated with you far better than I ever have in any other relationship. I even stopped talking to other guys and keeping the back burner hot just in case.

Being good to you somehow made it that I was good too. That I was good and worthy of being loved even though I was so horribly depressed and lost. As long as you wanted me then I couldn’t possibly be as broken as I felt.

But it was simply a Band-Aid for an all too fresh self-inflicted bullet wound.

I met you just before my twenty-fifth birthday. God, I was so fucking excited about my birthday, about you, and about all the possibilities awaiting us. But I knew time and time again that your heart wasn’t in it. And no matter how patient I tried to remain, I couldn’t get you to see me.

I wanted to be seen and loved but I realize now I had it so, so wrong. I didn’t need that from you. I needed that from me. I merely wanted you and of course, I still do even now.

But for all the things you couldn’t give me, you did give me my life back in a way. I thought so highly of you and wanted so terribly to spend a life together and have a future that it drove me insane. It crippled me and then just like that, I got up off my ass (with a little help from my friends and family), and I decided to devote all that energy I spent trying to make you love me on myself.

Because what killed me more than anything else was that I knew I wasn’t anywhere near the person I wanted to be nor was I the person I wanted to give you. Unfortunately, now I am a bit closer to being the best version of myself and you are nowhere to be found.

I am sad and for lack of a better word, I am heartbroken. I saw it for us. I always told you I did. But you didn’t and so that’s the beginning and end of it I suppose.

I am happy now though and had we not dragged each other around for a year I don’t know if I would feel the peace and clarity that I now have. And hey you know what, it was real and what we had was perfect in all of its precarious chaos.